Monthly Archives: January 2013

Your Protege and You: The awarding experience of being a Vampire parent

Last post I mentioned I would be posting something about vampires since ‘paranormal romance’ and all that jazz has made it cool. I thought it was about time I made my belated contribution.

Congratulations new Vampire parent(s)!

Welcome to one of the most rewarding experiences in your everlasting journey of eternal youth and beauty! You have bitten your first protege and deemed them worthy to be a vampire, but the transition from human to vampire isn’t as easy as a simple bite.

It takes the most patient, fair but strict vampires to create a model vampire to enter human society unnoticed until the damn vampire hunters come sniffing around

To help you and protege foster a relationship of love and equality, here are a few guidelines taken from the book!

The golden rule in this guide is never change your human-lover-and-part-time-snack into your protege. Its like falling in love with the dreamy bad boy at school. Its a phase and it never lasts. Several vampire psychologists have written books on the subject.

1. New vampires, or baby vampires, are the embodiment of two of the most sinister creatures between heaven and earth: The human baby and the hormonal teenager who is misunderstood.

5. Your protege is going through supernatural puberty. He/she thinks they know better than you and they can control their urges.

10. When they get out of control, use your complimentary gloves and gas mask with this book to place garlic outside their room. Its for their own good. Tough love is a good thing.

17. Your protege will exhibit similar symptoms of bi-polarism, called by Vampire Standford students as ‘supernatural-polarism’.

Your protege will one minute try to be human and next minute he/she is having a frat house blood binge with all the cool new proteges.

18. Do not let your protege hang out with the cool protege from next castle/mansion/house/bar. They’re magnets for smart humans with sharp wooden tools and vampire hunters.

25. Do not try to break up your protege’s relationship with the vampire hunter.It’ll only strengthen their resolve to kill you. Instead encourage the relationship, and pretend to admire your protege’s strength for holding onto his/her humanity with the vampire hunter.

Sooner or later, she/he’s going to get hungry for the rare blood steak that is called vampire hunter. Remember why there aren’t many vampire hunters? They’re a delicacy.

28. Let them hang out with the responsible protege of that nice vampire that invited you to dinner last decade.

55. Never underestimate a good hunting trip together. It will deepen your relationship.

98. Always teach your protege the value of a human who’s a health freak. They eat organic and exercise regularly making them much more nutritious for your protege’s needs.

Statistics from the underground Harvard vamp-med school show proteges who eat humans on an organic diet become much stronger and pass through supernatural puberty faster than proteges who didn’t.

For more great tips on how to raise your protege, please purchase the book!

Yes.

I expect many angry emails.

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Writing in a Fad-Driven Market

i.am.sophus.

Recent Book Fads

For the last couple of years, it’s been Game of Thrones, The Hunger Games and (heaven-forbid) Fifty Shades of Grey (and yes, I have read all three of the books, but that’s an exposition in itself). Before that, it was Steig Larsson’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and Twilight. Looking back at this list thus far, I realise that have read them all, bar Twilight (NB Twilight has been recommended to me as a great trashy read, but after only managing to stomach watching half of the overly teenage-angst-ridden movie, I have no impetus to read it – perhaps a classic example of should have read the book first. No offence to Twilight fans intended, I know that my younger self would have been relishing the world that Stephanie Meyer created). Before Twilight, there was Harry Potter. ‘nuff said.

But this is just…

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Why (some) action movies are like porn

Over the weekend, my friend and I decided to stay in and watch movies. We ended up watching Vampires suck and Red (2010) by DC comics. Two conversations inspired this post and the upcoming post.

Read this twice. First time, what’s on your screen, second time, replace the italics part with whatever you want *wink wink, nudge nudge*

1. You watch it for the part when Bruce Willis kicks ass

2. You only care for the cast if they’re known for their stunts

3. You wish you had their skills to show off to your friends

4. The movie knows what it is and who its for (do you really need italics for this part?)

5. You hate it when it tries to setup a deep and complicated story. Damnit! You’re here for the guns and explosions!

I forgot there’s a third option on how to read this post. Read it as this man would interpret it:

"So, you say you were close to your mother/father? That's interesting...Very interesting.

“So, you say you were close to your mother/father? That’s very interesting.”


Who Reads eBooks? [Infographic]

Your cheat sheet on the e-book market!

SpicaBookDesign

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The Wrong Way to Promote Your Book

Got your book ready? Want to get your sales numbers up? Found an ‘interesting’ way to generate interest? Think again…

Gary D. Robson

I originally wrote this article for Writer’s Weekly back in 2003. It can be seen in its original form on their website. I’ve placed it here on my blog because of something that happened last month that got me thinking about it. See that story at the end of the article.

Websites for writers and publications like WritersWeekly.com are filled with information about scams perpetuated upon writers. We see everything from “contests” that bilk money from aspiring writers to markets that never pay the promised compensation. One subject that’s rarely discussed is scams perpetuated by writers.

Often, a new writer will come up with innovative “out-of-the-box” ideas for promoting a book without realizing that (a) they may actually hurt sales and (b) it’s been done many times before. “Scam” is probably too harsh a word for many of these ideas, but some of them are downright unethical and illegal. That’s…

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A lesson in Burnout

Dear Nostalgia Critic,

I have watched your show for years and although you don’t know me, I know a great deal about you in a totally non-stalker-ish way (seriously).

polls_NostalgiaCritic_7_2604_191149_answer_2_xlarge

Your return is welcomed and celebrated among your ever-loving totally non-stalker fan(s).

I truly envy admire your work ethic and more importantly your fame for me to cash in  dedication in bringing quality shows and episodes on Channel Awesome.

To show my appreciation, I will shamelessly link your video under the guise of a lesson to current and future writers out there in hopes to earn your admiration. And possibly offering me a job after seeing my absolute brilliance with words and potential to make great jokes in order to save me from a life of reading boring journals and writing about things no one in their right mind will read unless they are held at gunpoint.

Or you will be so touched by my stories that you’ll have no choice but to hire me.

If none of these reasons are convincing enough, then I’m afraid I have no choice but to use my ultimate-Batman-utility-belt-card-type to persuade you to make the right choice. I have an amazing skill that takes years to master which only few can boast about in the world today.

I can do your taxes.


Climbing the Publishing Ladder: Ideas for the future

Last week, I posted the first ‘Climbing the Publishing Ladder’ piece. After I finished writing it, I had some comments about the future of the publishing industry.

Everyone agrees that we have entered an era where both writers and distributors have more options for publishing books, regardless of their form. When I wrote last week’s post, the old drafts originally had a paragraph discussing nano fiction and the short story market.

Online magazines such as ClarkesworldLightspeed Magazine and many others provide amazing short stories for readers, especially those who would like to read more but don’t have the time to tackle long series (or books)!

So I can safely say, there are a diversity of options to transport you, the reader, to different worlds that have some long or short journeys. The question I asked last week was to print or not to print.

I have a suggestion which I fully intend to comment on in the future once I learn more about the publishing industry and share it with everyone here.

So, future writers could follow what Alexandre Dumas did when he wrote The Count of Monte Cristo. Chapters could be published weekly, serial form, to be bought directly or in magazines in e-book format. Think of it as your weekly Naruto chapter. When the story is complete, the whole e-book or printed book will available for readers.

I have some basis for this suggestion.

In my last week post, the podcast I linked also shared some perspectives from the hosts. I forgot who (sorry) mentioned they were contracted to write a novella in-between books for the fans. By releasing chapter by chapter, fans will have something to keep them going and…let’s face it, fans are not the most patient of people.

SHELDON SMASH HUMAN! SHELDON WANT NEXT SONG OF ICE AND FIRE BOOK!

SHELDON SMASH HUMAN! SHELDON WANT NEXT SONG OF ICE AND FIRE BOOK!

So instead of waiting years between books while publishers, agents and editors worry about their author’s particular brand, this might help. However, this also puts incredible pressure on the writer. Once you publish that chapter, no way can you go back and re-edit it.

Ever.

So, here’s my alternative to the alternative. Authors can slowly move towards this approach. For example, say I have a book deal for a whole novel (I hope) which is say…60 chapters. For a little over sixty weeks (let’s forget the Christmas week, other holidays,  etc), my readers will be reading my first book series, while I’ll be working on the next installment. By the time the first installment is ‘finished’, give the fans a few weeks off (for dramatic effect), then begin releasing the next installment’s chapters.

Its just an idea. I’d like to look at the following issues first before building on it:

1. Current trends in publishing

2. Talk to other authors, readers, agents, editors and just about anyone interested about this idea

3. Stalk Watch the e-book sales figures

4. Consider the contract implications for the author and pricing strategies for chapters and complete books

5. Consider other changes such as advances from publishers


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